I wake up any where from 5:30-7:00 most days. I wake up to a lively and kicking baby. I am 30 weeks pregnant; which to me, feels like a milestone of a week. Something psychological perhaps has occurred in my brain that whenever I think of the next short ten weeks, I get a bit choked up, not with tears, but with fear. I have to hope I'm not alone in this "stage of fear," that others have experienced it too. In the weeks prior, I could, in times of fear, find solace in imagining cuddling with our future little bundle, but now such pleasant thoughts are polluted with images of a fatigued me struggling to cope with figuring out how to mother 24/7. I imagine myself frazzled and insecure.
Maybe that's because I am [frazzled, insecure] right now. I am unprepared for birth and I am unprepared to be a mom. Maybe unprepared isn't the word, maybe inadequate would better describe how I feel. But you know? It's when I realize that, that I can
kinda move forward. I can clearly see my position: first time mom, afraid of all the unknowns of the future, etc. But I can also see a solution. Sure I'm new at this, but I'm surrounded, absolutely drenched in a community of parents and wise peers that I have been blessed with. I need them. It's okay to depend on their support, and find through them love that is only possible through the gift of a Son to the world, the Truest sense of love and security, that is of and in Christ. The people I know shower me with this love, and I from where it flows. I am truley thankful. [Though still, honestly scared] it's in the moments of fear however that I can, hopefully, find that I CANNOT do this alone [Nadya Suleman--you need a community, lady!] That I can only depend on the love of God that extends through Him and His Church.
I felt similar feelings once in my life. I've always been a fearful and worrisome child, it's how I was wired, but never like the anxiety I felt before the wedding, and now before having a kid. I was terrified of the wedding--not of marriage, but of the motions of being in front of two hundred plus people, standing; I still can't exactly wrap my finger around what scared me about it but somewhere in my brain's pathways, I had paved a way that told me that I am not strong enough to handle my own nerves. That my body would take over and defeat me, and frankly, that I'd interrupt the whole ceremony by passing out [which really wouldn't be the end of the world, but in my mind, it just would be]. I think it's the same something that is making me react to birth and mothering-- perhaps feelings of worthlessness, shame, and failure could be at the core of these reactions. It's those words, when processed, that make me want to stretch out my arms, clench my jaw and refuse the passage of time. But it's not okay to react like this. And I need to face my fears like I did with those feelings a month or two before the wedding--therapy worked wonders. Now, I have other ways and tools to address my fears. Going to childbirth class is one way, having a network of supportive mothers around, too, will help.
Having Asa is what I'm waiting for and, really, longing for, but in order for that to happen well, I need to face my fears, and start, with one shaky foot in front of the other, with the preparations that will get me ready for his arrival.....
1. Go to class-get informed, learn how to breatheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
2. Tour the hospital, tour the hospital, tour the hospital, tour the hospital
3. Practice breathingggggggggggggggg
4. Ask questions--welcome help and suggestions
30 weeks-(confession: I think I'm bigger than this, but when you're 20lbs heavier you'll gladly accept the the deceiving camera angles and the color black ;)
We have our own onions. I think I'm happier about this than Seth is.
Decided to do my own maternity pictures.
After pregnancy, I'll miss the nails.
Hydrangeas make me happier than any rose.
Although it doesn't look like it, the nursery is coming along--look at Seth's amazing paint job!!
GREY
I can't wait.
