Miss Independent

There is this song that I love listening and singing to...it's just so catchy. but, it's terrible. "Miss Independent" by Neyo.

I don't really understand why this song was written. Is it to give women the idea that men exist who like girls that are independent and strong? I can't help think it has ulterior motives. It's taking for granted the desire of many to be desired. And it's like the writers thought, "how do we seduce women in a new way, or how do we appeal to a new audience--the types who work, go to school and who have real lives independent of drama and attachment....I know, glorify the ones who put their emphasis on figuring out their lives and careers rather than "finding the one," the ones that are "independent."

And what does independence look like? Oh, paying bills on time, paying off her own car, not needing "a man" all while having her nails done and looking nice! OMG do these women really exist?!?! dang. from the looks of the video I guess so? Men gotta have one of these Miss Independents and women have to be one of these Miss Independents.

But isn't it obvious that by reducing the very subject of the song (Miss Independent) to someone nameless, something other than encouragement of female empowerment is being communicated? Perhaps something that it is shallow and empty, twisted and confused? Or do we really need to see the music video to further see the complications and contradictions of this song?

Well, it's quite amusing to me so here it is, Miss Independent.....not

Seriously?!? Beautiful women working under him in an office? What more can a "man" (the stereotypical man and his culturally prescribed desires are frankly disgusting) want, like a million secretaries?? GAH! Everytime it tries to show the woman as "Independent" the point is immediately perverted by shots of her open backed shirt, her midriff bearing bra-like shirt, cleavage showing dress, and sexually charged dancing. So, how to get ahead in this male society is to 1. be in the corporate business world (plah plah plah) 2. to show off what "you got" while acting aloof to male attention. 3. wear tons of makeup 4. dance up on a guy (yeah...I know a stretch but what were they thinking?!)


Now the rest that I'm going to say should maybe be elaborated on in a different post, but all I'll say now is that Miss Independent is just as dependent as the rest of us. However, the kind of independence they are portraying is warped and damaging, especially since it's claiming to be one thing while really being another thing. It's communicating, "dress sexy so that you'll advance in the business world, land a good job, and get a guy on the side." It all seems dehumanizing.

But all this to say, I don't really think it's that important to be independent (gasp).

I am dependent on Seth as he is on me. I think this can only be a good thing. Because, together, we are trying to depend on something greater than the both of us....more on this later.

SO to wrap up this post, I want to say it's FOUR MONTHS UNTIL WE'RE MARRIED.

And I am getting so excited. I really like to look at old pictures from the starts of our relationship. So I'll probably start throwing them in randomly.

Like this one from my cousin's April 2009 wedding at the Grand Hyatt, in Denver. We were kind of lost and found doors with mirrors on them, obviously. I love Seth's hair long.

Happy Friday!

has anyone had a nine minute first dance?

I reference this song alot. My Dove, My Lamb by Phosphorescent could be my favorite song. Seth put it on a birthday cd for me last year and it still gives me shivers and smiles. It's one of those songs you could listen to as you fell asleep only to have your favorite dreams.

So, here it is: (I'd suggest getting the actual song somewhere...itunes?)

I remember evenings when my dad would sing
Hiding in the hallways, I am listening
Keeping still my body until it's borne aloft
Her hair is soft her breath is soft and her name is soft
And gather me completely in her sighing hands
My dove my dove my lamb

Born with ocean thunder underneath our veins
Lonelier than cows left standing in the rain
Holy when our weight into the waves is tossed
Though ships get lost and fish get lost and names get lost
She will wait to greet me where it meets dry land
My dove my dove my lamb

So. Careful of that language some words are stones
They'll lead you out from town and leave you all alone
Past the mirrored diamond mares that run all night
Where camptown ladies sing that song aw come aw wry
But lo they sing it sweetly so I'll understand
My dove my dove my lamb

Though my sight be near and my way be long
Though the light I chase be disappeared by dawn
I have seen her standing on the roofs at night
I have seen her silver figure bathed and bright
And I have seen her sleeping in the cold white sand
My dove my dove my lamb

So even in these cities where she's haunting me
Even when my weariness is wanting me
Even when my wickednesses want to breathe
Even in these dirty clubs counting 1-2-3
I will keep a singing til I no more can
My dove my dove my lamb

And later if I'm better I'll be born again
I'll pull my newborn body from the thorns and limbs
Finding with my fingers where they've torn the page
From some ancient book all gold and worn from age
And writ upon it neatly though in trembling hand
My dove my dove my lamb

Then later in the evening I hear trumpets ring
I stretch out in the dark and I am listening
Studying the sadness in your perfect limbs
Move them under mine until they learn to blend
And I will keep repeating til they understand
My dove my dove my lamb

It's just a great love song. I especially like the last three stanzas with their themes of weariness and redemption and transformation, etc.

So, goodnight. And to my Sethy: my dove, my dove, my lamb.

Sunday Morning

This might be my favorite Sunday morning I've had in a while. It's something about Sundays that gets me anxious and irritated; it's probably because I'm anticipating the Monday ahead.

But not today. I woke up relatively early, 7:30am, which is always a good thing because it means I can fill the time before I go to church with good things. Instead of just "getting ready," I am at this very moment, eating Vanilla Island Kashi cereal, drinking really good, smokey, dark, coffee, listening to Feist, and smelling the starts of my summer squash casserole sizzle in the frying pan.

Seth and I are going to church at Christ our Hope Anglican Church as of late, and today there is a potluck, hence the casserole. But this is what I like: making food, taking my time in the morning, and getting an early start.

I feel like I'm growing...up?

Even last night we went car shopping (Seth's legendary volvo is on its last breath--two considerable break downs and repairs in the past few months.). We talk about all these "grown up" things like what we want for our first family car. What?! but it's exciting, of course. Our three choices after last night (the Cooper parents joined in for the shopping) are the Toyota Matrix, Mazda 3 hatchback, and the Prius. I think the Prius we drove last night is the top runner, but we'll see what happens.

Then we went to Beaujos Pizza with Mom and Dad, and Dad and Seth split a Cajun meat pizza (no red onions or jalepenos on Seth's side) while Mom and I split some pizza with artichokes. We talked about the wedding, and about the dress and how it's a kind of (and this might be a stretch I don't know) microcosm for the marriage. It's interesting to me so I'm going to write about it:

The issue of entitlement that brides face (and with car shopping I am very aware that I feel just as entitled to things as the next person) comes up with the dress....the fact that one can spend as much as one wants to to have "THE DRESS" just as one can have the PERFECT MAN. I'm coming to realize that the fact that you shop around for either is kind of weird. Seth's really good and insightful about this: you commit to the one you're with, no shopping around, no looking around, no dating around. There are no dress soul mates as there are no human soul mates. But in writing this, I am finding that I feel kind of silly comparing a dress to a human relationship. I think it'd be more appropriate to view the dress as something kind of insignificant. Because it kind of is. Who really cares what kind of dress you have? Isn't it just another thing the wedding business tells us, or advertising in general, "stick out, be unique, be an individual!"

WRONG.

it's something I struggle with, and if this entry is any indication in it's crazy disarray, I am trying to figure it all out, but I don't have all the answers. I know that 1. the dress is nothing 2. but if you want to make the comparison, you could say that you can approach commitment to a car, a house, a dress, and a husband in the same way.

Anyways, the casserole is done, and I am disappointed with this post but I know a way to redeem it. A poem by Jame Kenyon called "Otherwise"

I got out of bed

on two strong legs.

It might have been

otherwise. I ate

cereal, sweet

milk, ripe, flawless

peach. It might

have been otherwise.

I took the dog uphill

to the birch wood.

All morning I did

the work I love.

At noon I lay down

with my mate. It might

have been otherwise.

We ate dinner together

at a table with silver

candlesticks. It might

have been otherwise.

I slept in a bed

in a room with paintings

on the walls, and

planned another day

just like this day.

But one day, I know,

it will be otherwise.

the knot says: 128 more days to go

I have nothing important to write about. I am just trying to get through this first week back at school, after which, I hope to have more to say.

But since most of the save the dates have been sent out, I thought I could write more about the wedding plans.

Our colors are grey and yellow. I think grey is such a gorgeous color. I got the idea when I saw this color palette on The Bride's Cafe:

The grey that the bridesmaid dresses turned out to be is more light and silvery, but still beautiful. I don't think I'm really drawn towards colors, and both Seth and I wanted a country-like wedding so there's going to be a lot of neutrals: think dried grasses, brown twigs, and the like. Really the only color during the ceremony will be in the bouquets.

I got this idea from this wedding featured on the Bride's Cafe:

Their bouquets are so amazing. Okay, what else?

Susan at Palmer Flowers suggested that I have tiny wild looking ocidium orchids to add more wildness to my bouquet. I'm really excited to see how they will look.

And we are also having these craspedia flowers in some of the arrangements:

And all of this will take place here:

At my parent's house; we will all dance in that barn. I took this picture in October 2008, and I am hoping for an equally incredible evening sky.

More later, now it's time for more school.

the start of my spring semester 2010

Goodmorning, and here it begins.

But, Seth just surprised me this morning by stopping by (Julian gave away the surprise...he knows the sound of his car) for a quick moment and to drop off a little note and card with The Holy Women at the Tomb.


He is so encouraging. I love him.

shouldn't i be done by now? or [this is the way my brain thinks] or "Scattered"

I start school tomorrow and I have the usual anxieties that I experience when starting a new semester. I am taking figure drawing which is going to be another shock to my system. It's going to be really so tough. And besides that I have 17 credits, work, and a wedding to prepare for. I know that I can handle it, but I wonder if taking one of my 3 credit courses during summer might be a better idea. School seems to set up individuals to lead a life of continued frazzledness (is that a word, obviously not.), sleep deprived students, and stress. This is why I don't think it's a bad thing to take your time finishing school, to find a good pace, to take a consistent 15 or less credits? BUT I am conflicted because I also feel like, "but she can do it [take 17 hours and work on top of that]--I'm just a slacker." I'm just torn and then I start to go down this terrible cycle where I feel worthless for having "wasted" nearly three years of my life in Michigan and Nebraska. (Now, I know I didn't, for they were some of my greatest years where I met some of my most favorite people, and I wouldn't have gotten to hang out with Seth on that sunny June day if I hadn't taken that Colorado summer vacation.... but I can't help feel like I SHOULD BE DONE WITH SCHOOL BY NOW.)
But these thoughts get me no where. I have to remember, I'm still only 22, and I have time. I am doing something I like, or that I will like (I still wonder why I have to take a figure drawing class when I am a photography major, but I am just being stubborn.).

And then there's Seth. He's going to be working and I'm going to be going to school...how does this work? Is it going to work? How much part time will I be working? There are so many unknowns, that are quite frankly, terrifying, at times. But it is during these times that I am reminded at how perfect (I know no one's perfect but Seth is pretty great ;) he is. He refocuses my attention at what really matters; the saying I am trying to stamp in my brain is, "We're not a part of that story." Which means, worrying about money, about the uncontrollable future, the unknown is not the story we need to buy into, though it is such a temptation. It is this fear that is taught to us; that if we're not "successful" or making money that life is just rough and stressful and "not good."

but

"We're not a part of that story."

We'll work to be the best we can be, we will rely on something Higher than money to be comforted.

These are things I need to work on and need encouragement with, but, i don't know, even with writing it out, I feel some sort of Peace.

Happy Monday, Happy CSU, Happy Week, everyone.

The 1st of June

We're flying to Boston!

I know that the poll is still up and running on the wedding website but we have made our honeymoon plans. We're going east and staying for a majority of the time in Vermont.

I was intrigued when I saw a yahoo article about "greatest fall drives" and Vermont was included in the list. Granted, we won't be there in the fall, but I figure those changing leaves come from beautiful lush green trees that bloom in the spring and thrive in the summer. When we started initial research we read about farm stays and this was very appealing (gathering your own eggs for breakfast?? yes!!)

So we'll be staying for a night at Shepherd's Hill Farm as well as a weekend of our ten day trip at the Apple Butter Inn. Seth's parents took there honeymoon to the east coast and stayed at the Inn, and try to visit frequently, so it was nice to get our handwritten confirmation letter back with "give our regards to your parents" written near the bottom.

We'll be staying in this room:

Spending some time at Nantucket:

And in Woodstock, Vt:

Happy Weekend: next weekend, homework.