Project #2

I made another few pictures. This is just a test print. It needs some dodging. But it's baby Emerson, a mighty yawn, only eleven hours old.

I was thinking yesterday as I went home from school, and after a pretty successful developing session, how scared I originally was to develop film, and then how complicated enlarging seemed. The butterflies are gone and I am able to go into a darkroom feeling completely at home. I really really like it. I might not know exactly how to get a great print, but I'm working on it. And I like that. I used to dread going the studio (in fact, I still hate going in to finish paintings......grrrrrr), but going in on my day off for photo is a completely different story. I don't know if I've ever enjoyed "practicing" anything like I enjoy "practicing" the darkroom.

Now. Let's hope I can get the exposure time right.

God's Country.

Really, I was just flipping through the radio stations since my two were on commercial break. That's when I stumbled on "God's Country." I thought I might have been misunderstanding, but then a listener came on and gave his prerecorded testimonial about the inspirational music the station promotes. Travis Tritt's "It's a Great Day to be Alive" was playing. [okay. I know this becauseI watched CMT (yes, it happened, actually at various times in elementary and high school)]
Anyways, I just couldn't believe it: a Christian radio station that plays secular country western music. It's like they are suggesting perhaps the stereotypical assumption that, overall, country music is more wholesome than other genres (rock, pop, hip hop, rap). I argue: how can they elevate country to that level? It's kind of like they choose certain songs and pretend the others by that musician don't exist. Travis Tritt has some uplifting songs, I'm sure. But what about his song, "Girls Gone Wild?" (i looked it up. i was not convinced he was the most outstanding Christian figure, at least from my experience, these types of stations try to promote). What about Carrie Underwood's song about getting revenge at her ex? Sure, we all experience similar feelings, but that's not really a Christian virtue: revenge. This radio station, "God's Country" uses this tactic (taken from their website http://www.godscountryclub.com/index.html):

"Our approach uses the medium of Country Music to attract an audience that may have an aversion to traditional Christian radio. Through our use of mainstream Country icons like Alan Jackson, Randy Travis, Carrie Underwood, Brad Paisley, Martina McBride, Rascal Flatts, we hope to capture mainstream America."

That's right. Lure them in, to "God's Country," which has bad connotations in and of itself, [if you've read my blog enough you should know what I think about people calling USA, a nation under God....plah plah plah. This is not God's special country. and country music is not God's music. The good ole country folk are no better or worse than anyone else.] with a misleading listen into what is good and wholesome.

I feel as though God's art/music/whatever should probably give a true look listen or feel into something. Wow. That says nothing but everything about what I'm trying to explore in my own studies as an art student. Certain things might not be appropriate, sure, for some viewers/listeners, but I feel real art is that that truely shows or gives..............And that art is what we as humans, as a society, as a culture are lacking maybe?
This could easily move into why Disney movies might be most inappropriate for children. What is true about those (where is the virtue in Cinderella?)? I'm not, at all, arguing that everything has to have a virtue to be art, but that it can't run around pretending that it does when it doesn't. OR maybe what I mean to say is, we should reconsider what we think is "good."

"God's Country" is a little strange, or maybe just a bit humorous. Dolly Parton (whose music I love) is on the homepage of their website. It's just strange to me that, from one who used to try to find secular-musicians-who-were-also-Christians I could look up to, that this site is essentially putting Dolly miss, "You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!" Parton on that pedestal.

Basically, if people want Christian art or inspiration, look at this or this.

Anyways. That's enough of that. I walked into my house after a great day at school to the smell of our crockpot simmering away. I had almost forgot that I had started it earlier today. It smelled like what I think a Grandma's house would smell like....it's been a while.

yummmmmmmmm. time to eat.

boo yah [1st print]

i did it. i know it needs adjustment. but. i made something, and i like it. MULES!

whining

I wonder if the panic and breakdown i experienced is only a natural part of any semester, especially one in which I'm embarking on something entirely new. When I started school last fall, I was, irrationally and emotionally, about to change my major back to English after trying to do my first drawing assignment. Today, as I was trying to organize the work I need to do with this photo and painting class in my planner, I panicked. There is so much work and I only am taking 12 credits. As any photo concentration at CSU knows; the majority of your work happens out of class. And, surprise surprise, the lab isn't open when I want it to be. I don't blame this on the professor, actually, I really like and respect him. It's going to be rough, and I'm trying to work up a thick skin, but I've never had a class that is quite as interesting and exciting as photo. Maybe it's just that I'm still realizing that I am doing what I want to do! Anyways, making photos is going to involve late nights (the darkroom is open from like 5or6 until 11 at night), and weekends. I need to get used to this (and not being home to just have a nice relaxing evening with my Seth. That's actually the real and only bummer). Oh, and I need some serious convincing that grades arn't everything. I will not be making As I will not be making As. I want to do this so bad, but I also know that I will learn and fail and get better, but it will take time. I might even get a C. duh duh duh
But then I have these other stupid classes that are demanding my attention. And after this semester, I will have more stupid classes. Really. I don't want to paint. I don't want to learn history (I used to love both of these thing). So when I looked at my outline of the next three semesters, and realizing that my time is going to be more and more constricted, and that money is going to get more and more tight, I convince myself that school is irresponsible. I am not contributing, I am draining our funds. And all this money is going purely to something that I might fail at.
I'm not going to drop out. But that's my natural escape.

This was my train of thought this morning. Desperation, insecurity, fear. But then I went to the darkroom for the first time. And I made a proof sheet. I fogged the first sheet, but the second test proofs came out. Sure, the first negatives I made were ruined because of error in putting the film on the stainless steel reel, hence the screwed up proofs, but it's something I made. The little moments I saw a week ago are back and I can see them all, again.

really though. these suck. not because one side is dark (we were supposed to do that), but those chemical blotches make me kind of sad. Maybe it's good though; I made a huge mistake my first time; hopefully it can only get better. and don't i look totally indie?

happy freakin friday.

the pictures are a biproduct of the work....the pictures are a biproduct of the work.....

i should have written about the things I want to do with photography, and why I value it, and why I want to do photography as a profession, but rather than doing that and saving my pride, I want to compliment someone who will never know me. There is this photographer in Brisbane, Australia who has the most beautiful pictures. He is doing exactly what I want to do, and exactly how I want to do it (dammit! births?! that's what I wanted to do. joking of course, maybe? originality is a strange thing to strive for.). Not only do the photos stand out on their own, I believe his philosophy and purpose and intent with his pictures are what makes his work little masterpieces. He's documenting a story, and not just the events but the very essence of the environment in which the events took place. good grief, is it ever moving. Watch it. This is what I want to do: i don't know if he intended to show the family, the good life, truth and preserve it, but that's what i want to do. I am humbled by it. I hope and pray, actually, that it's something I'm already starting to practice.

http://jonaspeterson.com/personal/the-way-i-see-things/

and my reaction to these pictures?

this isn't important to anyone, really

but. it was my first day back to school. AND the first time since high school, that im returning to the same school i went to the preceding year. I mean, CSU isn't new to me, I'm not starting something new; I can relish in the familiarity, the routine, and confidence in knowing that I've done this before.

I really like the idea of "settling down." There is something really great about getting out there and experiencing--but perhaps there has been this loss in the importance and the value of "settling down." With all my theoretical reasons for sitting still, I have been able to see all the great things about Fort Collins. There is always something new to this town. I mean, I just (after, what, 14-15 years of living here?) experienced the Poudre River. Admittedly, the river was really low and anticlimactic, but, wow, how beautiful.

Who knows what and where we will be, but for now, at least for a long while, we have no plans to leave. There is so much freedom? (could i say, life, instead?) in being tied down to a place and people.

i could talk all day in messy circles

I read, or rather, skimmed through an article I found on yahoo.com. It said that new studies found that modern day super heroes aren't good role models. And I thought, duh. Violence and sex are the only things that are seemingly glorified in the movies I've seen. but that topic sent me thinking back to this movie that Seth brought home called Tough Guise. It's really interesting because, as I once was a raging feminist (no shaving, no makeup, and even denying the things that come with being a woman) I just thought about the pressures the world puts on women to conform and submit. Now, even though I still think the pressures put on women (I will come back to this) are immense, I realize even more that there isn't one sex that is more of a victim of the world than the other. Both men and women are screwed over by our culture's value of prestige, wealth, and all things material.
In the documentary Jackson Katz talks about how the media is largely to blame for the violence and, to me, demoralization of society. haha. that's big but i think it's probably true. One of the most interesting points to me was when he compared action figures (Luke Skywalker, even) back in the days that they first appeared on the market, and now....the arms, legs, and chests of these male heros are so freaking big the original figures look scrawny.


It is interesting to think our society moves more and more into the habits of consuming (images, values, ideals) to escape our own realities, that the product is going to be (beauty muscles brains) accessible yet disappointing all the while. Look at how many problems arise out of fake, outer beauty, or what it is to be an ideal "woman" (bad self esteem at the very least) and look at the complications that come from being a manly man (lack of sensitivity or vulnerability, violence, anger), but most of all the most damaging and most vital to recognize since it encompasses everything it is to live a meaningful life, is that we're disconnected from creation or from ourselves as a part of creation.
I believe as of right now, maybe men are stronger biologically and maybe women are a bit more sensitive. And maybe it's opposite sometimes, or neither of these things sometimes. It really shouldn't matter, probably. As individuals, we are great, but as a whole we are better. Guys compliment girls, girls compliment guys, guys compliment guys, girls compliment girls. It's when there are expectations that are often fed to us by images or expectations handed down after generations that we are seemingly trapped in a facade of what it is to be man or woman.
I don't have the answers or even know much about all this, but in my own life, this issue of roles, societal expectations, unfortunately kind of rule my life at times. Confession: I, like so many (I hear it doesn't really ever leave!!!!!!!!!) struggle alot with self confidence. It takes me forever to get dressed--to the point that it's obsessive. (I know it sounds trivial, but I see myself more concerned with vanity at times than I am with doing other Real things) It's this lose lose situation. I don't like wearing makeup or showering really, but then I realize maybe I can't get away with that--maybe I should probably put a bit of effort into "getting ready". But then I "get ready" and feel just as insecure, if not more, than when I got started. And then I want to go makeup shopping to fix it. Or maybe I need some new clothes. When really all it is is this never ending pressure on looks (looks that can or cannot be bought--i think there can be both the pressure to look together or disheveled--but in all cases, it's a pressure to "look" or express a look) to get ahead, to get some sort of acknowledgment, or something.
I know what I should do and what we all should do, but it's so deeply rooted in our psyche to be successful in some sort of way (in looks, or reputation, material wealth, or even immaterial wealth) that it's nearly impossible just to rest in doing good or being good and, frankly, not caring how others see me.
Sometimes what's best when I experience the troubling weight of insecurity is to walk around and be distracted by people (when, for me, I would rather sit secluded rather than be seen in during my insecure rants), to be surrounded by the real and true. Gardening helps, and seeing little kids helps, and knowing that my husband loves me and cares more that I like good things helps and hearing him say, "having kids is going to be a real liberating thing for you :)" helps.

oh. and i love crap like this. I love Beauty and the Beast; but even my love of the movie and reluctance to "give it up" is kind of a dead give away of the subtle ways media influences. a sweet children's movie is easy to dismiss. it's nostalgic and eye candy but i don't really know that there's anything that redeeming about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CWMCt35oFY&feature=related the end is the best.