my nighttime prayer

Having a child is like getting a crash course in patience and understanding. Last night, after nearly a week of our son's new routine of sleeping 4-6 hours at night (that means--waking up once during the night!), we woke up nearly every 3-4 hours. I feel exhausted this morning (hello coffee) and felt, frankly, pretty annoyed with our little bundle of joy--or as it was last night, bundle of snorts and gas and discomfort. poor man. I know it's only natural to feel annoyed in times like these. Being a mom, and being needed constantly is an adjustment--especially after you've had time to "adjust" and when your child decides to change up his pretty consistent routine :) haha
But being a mom, for me, is a big wake up call that, "it's not all about me." I always say in baby talk, "it's hard to be a baby." And though i'm just being partially hyperbolic during my moments of baby talk, I think it's true, it is hard to be a baby: you're forced into a cold world from somewhere so warm and tight, your mom is not a mind reader and cannot give you what you need simply because she doesn't always know what you need, and you have to deal with these new weird things like dry colorado air, and painful gas (Mr. A's mom eats a real healthy diet with lots of greens, beans, and garlic but lots of greens, beans, and garlic, means upset tum for baby). It's hard to be a baby. And though I may get frustrated when I lose my precious sleep, I have to remind myself that this baby depends on me, not because he's just a clingy new friend who I risk spoiling and compromising my values, (I think sometimes we like to think these sorts of things when we are confronted with losing independence--that somehow we are just spoiling this new stranger in our lives), but because...he's a baby and absolutely cannot do it without me. You may read this and be, like, duh. But this small distinction, having empathy for my small child rather than being defensive that he's like, manipulating me to get closer to me (I know that sounds crazy, but your mind goes to these when you're losing sleep and you're constantly needed) helps me to calmly (even--happily?!) get out of bed, and to give my child what he really needs. He needs to know I am there for him. And I love being there for him. I will be there whenever he needs; a kiss when he falls, a hug before bed, the reassurance that we'll take care of him forever. Wow, just writing that reminds me of this gorgeous lullaby that my friend, Leah, posted to my facebook wall. It's by My Brightest Diamond and is written for her son. Watch it.


In order to do this though, I need strength. And help. My nighttime prayer is always to boldly ask for sleep. And then, not only for sleep, but for the strength, endurance and patience it takes to care for an infant. And while these things are good, I most of all pray that I allow God to work through my inadequacies and weaknesses as a mom. That I rely on the True Strength that comes not by my own means and accomplishments but in being weak and being unable. I pray that I would give up what I think I need for the true help and strength that can only come from the power found in Christ. True rest can only come from Him, and I just pray that I am able to wait in quiet for what this means--for me, and my family.

Happy Friday, Happy Weekend.

Asa gets baptized this weekend!! Talk about an answer to prayer--this very nighttime prayer--for this community is the Body that helps make us strong in some way, shape or form. We are blessed.


Peace.

brad + ashley...engaged!

My dear friend Ashley just got engaged to Brad, and I couldn't be happier for them! I had the privilege of spending the evening with them as we went out and found the perfect fall backdrop for this beautiful couple's impromptu engagement shoot. Hooray for marriage, and hooray for Ash and Brad!

goofing off while i test the light...arn't they sweet?

pretty

so happy together ( and so happy we caught the yellow leaves before the snow!!)

Blessings to the couple as they prepare for marriage; this is such a special time!

common prayer

This was yesterday's prayer in Common Prayer :

Lord, you descended into the mire of this world to raise us up. Enable us to descend as you descended that we might rise with you to the beloved community of your resurrected life. Amen.

Come, Lord Jesus, Come.

asa 1 mo.

one month?! the babe is getting bigger and stronger and chubbier each day. happy day, Mr. A.

from this:
to this:






Mom and Pa love you.

Conversations with A Newborn

8:00am

"Are you lookin all around, Asa? Are you lookin at daddy's desk?"

Asa's eyes like blue marbles shift from side to side; his jerky limbs swing up and down.

"Well, we have plenty of stuff to look at in here; it's like a crazy old grandma's house in here."


Asa responds with his infamous and way-too-loud-for-such-a-tiny-guy fart.

8:40am
"What are those weird things going in your mom's hair?"

Asa watches as pink purple and green curlers go up in my hair. Gives concerned look. Probably thinking: finish feeding me, lady.... Nope. Gives another mighty fart.


12:30pm
"Hi, Bubs. Do you like pears?"

Asa stretches and begins to cry. Probably thinking, "Mom, quit with the blogging, give me food."

Birth

It's been two weeks since Asa made his beautiful arrival into this world. And when I say beautiful, I wholeheartedly mean "perfect" or the way birth was intended to be. :) Rather than trying to forget my birth I enjoyed replaying it in my head, over and over. I have a couple friends who have asked about my birth story and I feel (just as I've done with the story of Seth and my Engagement story) I should document the details if only for my own benefit.

I will warn. This will be long. And it will be a birth story--which means--blood, sweat, swear words, etc. j/k

I was induced two saturdays ago at 7:30am--Asa had been measuring slightly small. Though my midwife wasn't concerned, the doctor at the clinic who read my ultrasound figured if something was wrong (say the placenta was pooping out) it'd be better to nourish him outside the womb. Induction was never part of my "plan" er.."preference" and I had to mourn as the days drew closer to the induction date without any signs of my body going into labor on its own (or rather, with many frustrating "false starts" or warm-ups). My midwife wanted to start cytotec (i was skeptical--i'm well aware of the scary reports about this drug) at night and give me an ambien so that i could sleep through the effacement process. Though cytotec was not something I would have chosen for myself--after frank conversation with my CNM I decided to trust her judgement as I had entrusted her for my care, while opting out of the ambien idea (ie getting induced at night and "ripening" overnight). I prefered to skip the sleep meds and labor and efface through the day--even though that could mean a long drawn out early labor process. It must have been maternal instinct but going in sat. morn. was probably the best thing we could have done...

So we got in right away, and I am given my saline lock (seriously, worst part for me--I nearly passed out--had to have oxygen and everything--and i've been so good during the pregnancy, you know, with all the blood draws) and administered the cytotec. I was 1 1/2 cm and 50%. My midwife came back around noon and checked and I was 70% effaced with no change in dilation. But it was good news that the cytotec was working the way it was supposed to. (we were warned induction could either work well (with only cytotec jumpstarting labor) or that we'd need other things ("interventions") to encourage dilation (the "balloon" or pitocin) and that it could last until monday morning. AH! (Though I am sooo thankful to have a care provider who was in no rush to get Asa out or to begin pitocin) I was given another dose of cytotec and was told she'd return at 4:30 to check me. My doula, Kate, encouraged me to take a nap at 3:00 since the possibility of laboring through the night was very possible. At 3:30, after having really manageable menstrual-like cramps from the beginning of the day, started having them strong in my back--I "breathed through my contraction" for the first time and things progressed extremely quick after that. Unfortunately, all was back labor--right in my tail bone! OW! but I was fortunate enough to have an incredible nurse, doula and seth to take care of me. My nurse suggested a TENS unit which I had entertained the thought of but kind of forgot about during pregnancy. It's a handheld machine with electrode-like pads that you put on your tum and back and you control these tiny shocks that interrupt the pain receptors and thus the pain you may experience. It sounds crazy, but it got me through the waves. I had contractions that were coming one after another from the very beginning. At 4:30 I was checked and was 6-7cm and 90%. Labor got very intense but my doula really helped guide my breathing so I was able to stay on top of the contractions (by really surrendering to them :). Because of the back labor, the toilet was my favorite spot to be. I moved there one last time around 7:30 and had a couple contractions, but then I automatically started grunting. My midwife showed up right in time. I guess she said, "there's the head!" Then my water broke. I think it was then that people encouraged me to get up to go to the bed, but as I started I could feel his head down there and I kind of fell down to my hands and knees (on the bathroom floor) and pushed through my contractions. Midwife was great and seemed completely fine with me not moving, though the nurses seemed concerned that we were remaining in the bathroom. There were moments of frantic activity as I concentrated on pushing and resting through the contractions: people ripping the TENS unit off ("we don't want any shocks!") and someone holding the doppler continuously on my tummy. But it was only like 10-15 minutes of pushing and he was out. SOOOOOO crazyyyyyyyy. Seth caught him and I pulled him up through my knees. It's incredible that as I recall this moment, all I can ever remember is muffled sound, bright bathroom light beaming on our little boy, bright eyed, looking all around, covered in vernix. Seth was right there with me, he was tearful, I was not; intstead I was completely stunned, pain-free, and completely overwhelmed by everything that had just happened. The baby nurse took him to be cleaned up. Asa had to be under some oxygen for a tiny bit because since he came out so quick, he didn't have time to have all the fluid squeezed out of his lungs!
As I returned to the bed to recover (lots of shaking--hormones do weird things) I noticed the clock I had unconciously been watching all day was missing off the wall. I asked, as if it was really important that the room had changed, "where is the clock?!" Apparently the baby nurse had it brought in to record the time of birth--the giant wall clock--which seemed kind of silly to me.
Once all was said and done, with Seth and Asa in the nursery, and me recovering with Kate, our nurse answered the knock at the door where my mom and sister were out in the hall. The nurse said, "um, brooke, your mom is wondering if your sister can come say hi." (Mind you, no one knew I had delivered yet--last they heard, I was 6-7cm....) I turned to Kate and we knew it was time to announce the news, completely uncoordinated and disorganized. My mom came in, and I said, "do you know what has happened? I had him. He's here." I thought Mom was going to need to sit down--she was shocked, and Kate ran out to announce the news somehow to Seth's parents.


It was the perfect birth. No amount of planning could have made it as good as it was.

Really, Any Day Now.

nothing too exciting today. but for the record:


How far along? 39 weeks plus, and i'm done.
How big is baby? well....at last week's appointment they said he's kind of small. 6lbs 9oz. But everything looks fine and good according to the ultrasound and biophysical, so this is me being okay with trusting the doctor's opinions and not worrying about our peanut of a child.
Gender? Boy. I get a precious mini-Seth. I always said I wanted a million of them.......
Weight gain? When I get weighed, I look at the ceiling, so, I have no idea. But according to how i look, I think it's probably in the 30ish range.
Symptoms? My stomach cramps, and tightens, and my round ligaments send shooting pain down my side, but nothing gives me an Asa.
Food cravings? It was nutella, then french toast, and I've satisfied them all. Now I'm not really craving much. If anything maybe some good cereal--it's like I'm reverting back to the first trimester.
Sleep? Relatively good. I wake up during the night but if I can sleep till four, I can usually drift back to sleep. If it's before four I lay awake for at least and hour and a half. I have no idea. Movement? Oh he loves to move. alot. to the point where I think he's going to bust through the skin. it's a bit uncomfortable.
Stretch Marks? none, yet. but i've begun to itch so I'm not holding my breath for a second.
Belly Button? the top part is out, bottom part is flat. it's so weird
What I am looking forward to? alot. i really want to see this squirmy little guy. and dress him up and walk around with him in a sling right next to me alllllllllll day. but i also want to lay on my tum, and hug with my whole body. im looking forward to breastfeeding. and going into labor. and pushing. kind of everything that gets me away from pregnancy.
Pregnancy Moments with Seth: I just love and will miss Seth's flabergasted expression when he see's my stomach twist and shift, and "good griefs" when Asa kicks HIM!

Belly Photo: i look and feel just like this *scary* picture