I've been sort of avoiding this post; the post where I admit my nerves, my anxiety, and anticipation surrounding the excitement of the wedding (IN 5 DAYS).
It's not just the details of the wedding; for, everything seems to be falling into place just fine. Of course I find myself wondering: are my nonmatching table clothes going to match? do we have enough mason jars? if everyone knowing where and when they need to be? is this music going to work????? but my real anxiety comes from being in front of people, feeling that pressure to be to look to be the perfect "bride." ("bride" in the american sense). but I'm not that. I don't even have much confidence, and when I feel the weight of the approaching day pressing, I feel even more insecure: how am I going to be physically able to stand infront of two hundred people without literally falling apart?
This is where prayer and encouragement from my dear friends has shown its power. I experienced most of this, above, stress last week--the week I anticipated this pre-wedding week. I'm actually calm-considering, and I can actually see myself going through the morning of the wedding not jittery, but laughing and clear-headed. I'm astonished, really. And I am so thankful for the blessing of the support from our wonderful friends and family.
And then I think about my Seth--how he has always been this strong man who I can turn and confide in. He is so good to me and I am honored to stand holding his hand at that altar. These are the eyes I will see when I am feeling scared or uncomfortable, these are the hands that will squeeze mine to remind me where I am. I just have to remember that he's going to be going through all these motions with me. It's a simple reminder but one I honestly need to remember more often. It's us up there...not me.
[with a pause. a sigh. and relief...] what a great night it will be. (that's a huge thing for me to say--it's hard when you think about all the details) what could go wrong? I get to be on his arm all day and night. How great is that?!
with all this said, I am ready for the wedding to happen. To be here and be over. I don't think that's a bad thing to say because all it means is: I want to be married.
phew. I'm real tired. and I highly doubt I will write again until after the honeymoon!
...........Now I can really begin becoming Brooke Forwood...........................