Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Waiting Game

It's a wednesday morning, and we just got back from our 37 week appointment. I've had a beautiful pregnancy and even though i know that being pregnant and having the baby inside is easier than having the baby outside....I am utterly miserable. I feel like I have hit the limits of my patience and I am kind of driving myself crazy. I want to meet our little son so badly, I want to see his face, I want to go through the adventure of giving birth, and then all the challenges of parenthood. With every contraction and tightening, with every kick, I start playing these mind games about when he'll come. Is this labor? It could be? Maybe this is the start....
The thing is, labor probably has started in a sense, my body is preparing for what it needs to do, but my temptation is to want to speed up the process. Sometimes, in these times when I'm hit with the reality of "this could happen anywhere from now until three weeks from now," I selfishly"get" why women would elect to schedule an induction -- YET at the same time this is another example of why pregnancy is another example of God's amazing creativity in design. How better to learn the disciplines of patience, of welcoming the unexpected stranger, and of simply being still, resting in His creation. I have been created to give birth a certain way, and Asa has been created to come out a certain way :) I have to surrender my own plans about what should be happening and when it should be happening and just go with the design. As simple as it is this is another opportunity to live Jeremiah 29:11 "11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I am blessed to be able to partake in the blessing of motherhood and pregnancy. Intervening with the design is not proper, and I just have to remember, if nothing else, I've waited nine months, I can wait another week or two ;) Oh, and also, that I am doing the work I've been given to do--to grow a baby. Now it's time to rest in this work, knowing doing it is good.

I am participating in a miracle. I can wait another couple weeks....but I'm allowed to complain about my waddle.

ps.[Funny pregnancy thing week 37--I have a weekly outfit. With each new week, I have grown out of what previously has fit. So I get creative with my wardrobe, pick out one or two outfits and wear them all week. This week, it's a black dress with a belly band worn as a tube top. Next week will probably be Seth tank top with stretchy pants....oh man.]

Friday, August 12, 2011

I haven't written in a while. It could easily be that rather than sitting and collecting information and digesting and trying to make sense of it through writing, I have been really busy with preparing for our little son's birth. I've been nesting for weeks--making curtains and crib dusters and mobiles. They're nothing pretty but I'm really proud to have spent my time doing them myself.
I've noticed, as the months go on, Seth and I changing. As strange as this sounds I have seen our parental instincts surfacing as we engage with the children (and get this-animals) in our lives. From noticing Seth's super creative ways of interacting with our nephew during his birthday to my vigil watch over changes in my dog's (yeah, DOG's) behavior, I think we're slowly gearing up for this new stranger entering our lives.
I don't like the idea of preparing for welcoming Asa into our lives by having to say our final goodbyes with the life we know now. Maybe its because I'm overwhelmed enough as it is by the huge change having a kid will bring that I don't think it's necessary to have my "lasts." Maybe I want the "lasts" to happen without celebrating them as being "the last time doing [whatever] without a baby in my life." It's not like I'm kissing parties or bars or girls night outs goodbye. It's not like I need one final fling with my husband. As with marriage, where life changed, yet it changed for Good and it just was, I feel having a child will be similar. Things will change, but our lives have been moving slowly in this direction anyways. If I was to feel entitled to be independent (which as I write that word out--I'm sure I still feel this entitlement deep in my bones) then, yeah, motherhood would be a miserable existence. Just as marriage would be if I felt I had the right to be independent of my spouse. But you know, I don't really strive to buy into the our culture's strange obsession with independence.
Instead of saying "goodbye" to our lives, Seth and I are striving to make changes to our household--one of the biggest has been to keep the Sabbath. We hope to work well during the week and keep Sundays open to visiting with friends and family and rest. The other day we put another condition on our Sundays and I discussed with Seth something that has been convicting me as of lately. This condition involves no idle internet time--but I admitted that I felt that maybe I need to take some time from facebook. [doesn't everyone say the same thing?] At least, something needs to change. I don't know how I feel about posting everything about our growing family, especially after he comes. Which is difficult, as I love that about fb--the ability to share with people (as some of my closest friends live furthest away); I think I just need more restraint. This also calls into question what I want to do with photography (as that is also why I like facebook--it's a good discipline for me to always be shooting and making silly 'albums'). All this might include using it less or writing more or shooting with film or becoming alot more picky about my pictures and what I choose to show.
In all, it's an attempt at actual relationship. To people experiencing our family not by my words or how we look on film (or digital files) to what we do in action. How we interact with the world and community around us. Besides, the older I get (I know--I'm still pretty young) the more old fashioned I get (read: what's the point of style and fashion? why are there iphones? why are there kindles? i'll stop there, i don't want to get in trouble) and I want to keep my heart content with the limits we are faced with and I want Asa to know that we are content with the way we live--that it's okay to embrace these limits. Protecting my own heart by using my time wisely and on good things will hopefully keep our family from at least some of the pressures of the world.

I'm 35 weeks pregnant today. He's coming so soon. And I really just can't wait. I'm off to go sort baby clothes (for the third or fourth time :) in the nursery. Speaking of nursery: We are finishing up the final touches. The biggest project? Sanding, Priming, and painting our armoire. Thank goodness I have some help. :)

Inspecting one of Asa's [creepy] books

She's super Nani.

Happy Friday!