I haven't written in a while. It could easily be that rather than sitting and collecting information and digesting and trying to make sense of it through writing, I have been really busy with preparing for our little son's birth. I've been nesting for weeks--making curtains and crib dusters and mobiles. They're nothing pretty but I'm really proud to have spent my time doing them myself.
I've noticed, as the months go on, Seth and I changing. As strange as this sounds I have seen our parental instincts surfacing as we engage with the children (and get this-animals) in our lives. From noticing Seth's super creative ways of interacting with our nephew during his birthday to my vigil watch over changes in my dog's (yeah, DOG's) behavior, I think we're slowly gearing up for this new stranger entering our lives.
I don't like the idea of preparing for welcoming Asa into our lives by having to say our final goodbyes with the life we know now. Maybe its because I'm overwhelmed enough as it is by the huge change having a kid will bring that I don't think it's necessary to have my "lasts." Maybe I want the "lasts" to happen without celebrating them as being "the last time doing [whatever] without a baby in my life." It's not like I'm kissing parties or bars or girls night outs goodbye. It's not like I need one final fling with my husband. As with marriage, where life changed, yet it changed for Good and it just was, I feel having a child will be similar. Things will change, but our lives have been moving slowly in this direction anyways. If I was to feel entitled to be independent (which as I write that word out--I'm sure I still feel this entitlement deep in my bones) then, yeah, motherhood would be a miserable existence. Just as marriage would be if I felt I had the right to be independent of my spouse. But you know, I don't really strive to buy into the our culture's strange obsession with independence.
Instead of saying "goodbye" to our lives, Seth and I are striving to make changes to our household--one of the biggest has been to keep the Sabbath. We hope to work well during the week and keep Sundays open to visiting with friends and family and rest. The other day we put another condition on our Sundays and I discussed with Seth something that has been convicting me as of lately. This condition involves no idle internet time--but I admitted that I felt that maybe I need to take some time from facebook. [doesn't everyone say the same thing?] At least, something needs to change. I don't know how I feel about posting everything about our growing family, especially after he comes. Which is difficult, as I love that about fb--the ability to share with people (as some of my closest friends live furthest away); I think I just need more restraint. This also calls into question what I want to do with photography (as that is also why I like facebook--it's a good discipline for me to always be shooting and making silly 'albums'). All this might include using it less or writing more or shooting with film or becoming alot more picky about my pictures and what I choose to show.
In all, it's an attempt at actual relationship. To people experiencing our family not by my words or how we look on film (or digital files) to what we do in action. How we interact with the world and community around us. Besides, the older I get (I know--I'm still pretty young) the more old fashioned I get (read: what's the point of style and fashion? why are there iphones? why are there kindles? i'll stop there, i don't want to get in trouble) and I want to keep my heart content with the limits we are faced with and I want Asa to know that we are content with the way we live--that it's okay to embrace these limits. Protecting my own heart by using my time wisely and on good things will hopefully keep our family from at least some of the pressures of the world.
I'm 35 weeks pregnant today. He's coming so soon. And I really just can't wait. I'm off to go sort baby clothes (for the third or fourth time :) in the nursery. Speaking of nursery: We are finishing up the final touches. The biggest project? Sanding, Priming, and painting our armoire. Thank goodness I have some help. :)