Tuesday, August 24, 2010

the pictures are a biproduct of the work....the pictures are a biproduct of the work.....

i should have written about the things I want to do with photography, and why I value it, and why I want to do photography as a profession, but rather than doing that and saving my pride, I want to compliment someone who will never know me. There is this photographer in Brisbane, Australia who has the most beautiful pictures. He is doing exactly what I want to do, and exactly how I want to do it (dammit! births?! that's what I wanted to do. joking of course, maybe? originality is a strange thing to strive for.). Not only do the photos stand out on their own, I believe his philosophy and purpose and intent with his pictures are what makes his work little masterpieces. He's documenting a story, and not just the events but the very essence of the environment in which the events took place. good grief, is it ever moving. Watch it. This is what I want to do: i don't know if he intended to show the family, the good life, truth and preserve it, but that's what i want to do. I am humbled by it. I hope and pray, actually, that it's something I'm already starting to practice.


and my reaction to these pictures?

Monday, August 23, 2010

this isn't important to anyone, really

but. it was my first day back to school. AND the first time since high school, that im returning to the same school i went to the preceding year. I mean, CSU isn't new to me, I'm not starting something new; I can relish in the familiarity, the routine, and confidence in knowing that I've done this before.

I really like the idea of "settling down." There is something really great about getting out there and experiencing--but perhaps there has been this loss in the importance and the value of "settling down." With all my theoretical reasons for sitting still, I have been able to see all the great things about Fort Collins. There is always something new to this town. I mean, I just (after, what, 14-15 years of living here?) experienced the Poudre River. Admittedly, the river was really low and anticlimactic, but, wow, how beautiful.

Who knows what and where we will be, but for now, at least for a long while, we have no plans to leave. There is so much freedom? (could i say, life, instead?) in being tied down to a place and people.

Friday, August 20, 2010

i could talk all day in messy circles

I read, or rather, skimmed through an article I found on yahoo.com. It said that new studies found that modern day super heroes aren't good role models. And I thought, duh. Violence and sex are the only things that are seemingly glorified in the movies I've seen. but that topic sent me thinking back to this movie that Seth brought home called Tough Guise. It's really interesting because, as I once was a raging feminist (no shaving, no makeup, and even denying the things that come with being a woman) I just thought about the pressures the world puts on women to conform and submit. Now, even though I still think the pressures put on women (I will come back to this) are immense, I realize even more that there isn't one sex that is more of a victim of the world than the other. Both men and women are screwed over by our culture's value of prestige, wealth, and all things material.
In the documentary Jackson Katz talks about how the media is largely to blame for the violence and, to me, demoralization of society. haha. that's big but i think it's probably true. One of the most interesting points to me was when he compared action figures (Luke Skywalker, even) back in the days that they first appeared on the market, and now....the arms, legs, and chests of these male heros are so freaking big the original figures look scrawny.

It is interesting to think our society moves more and more into the habits of consuming (images, values, ideals) to escape our own realities, that the product is going to be (beauty muscles brains) accessible yet disappointing all the while. Look at how many problems arise out of fake, outer beauty, or what it is to be an ideal "woman" (bad self esteem at the very least) and look at the complications that come from being a manly man (lack of sensitivity or vulnerability, violence, anger), but most of all the most damaging and most vital to recognize since it encompasses everything it is to live a meaningful life, is that we're disconnected from creation or from ourselves as a part of creation.
I believe as of right now, maybe men are stronger biologically and maybe women are a bit more sensitive. And maybe it's opposite sometimes, or neither of these things sometimes. It really shouldn't matter, probably. As individuals, we are great, but as a whole we are better. Guys compliment girls, girls compliment guys, guys compliment guys, girls compliment girls. It's when there are expectations that are often fed to us by images or expectations handed down after generations that we are seemingly trapped in a facade of what it is to be man or woman.
I don't have the answers or even know much about all this, but in my own life, this issue of roles, societal expectations, unfortunately kind of rule my life at times. Confession: I, like so many (I hear it doesn't really ever leave!!!!!!!!!) struggle alot with self confidence. It takes me forever to get dressed--to the point that it's obsessive. (I know it sounds trivial, but I see myself more concerned with vanity at times than I am with doing other Real things) It's this lose lose situation. I don't like wearing makeup or showering really, but then I realize maybe I can't get away with that--maybe I should probably put a bit of effort into "getting ready". But then I "get ready" and feel just as insecure, if not more, than when I got started. And then I want to go makeup shopping to fix it. Or maybe I need some new clothes. When really all it is is this never ending pressure on looks (looks that can or cannot be bought--i think there can be both the pressure to look together or disheveled--but in all cases, it's a pressure to "look" or express a look) to get ahead, to get some sort of acknowledgment, or something.
I know what I should do and what we all should do, but it's so deeply rooted in our psyche to be successful in some sort of way (in looks, or reputation, material wealth, or even immaterial wealth) that it's nearly impossible just to rest in doing good or being good and, frankly, not caring how others see me.
Sometimes what's best when I experience the troubling weight of insecurity is to walk around and be distracted by people (when, for me, I would rather sit secluded rather than be seen in during my insecure rants), to be surrounded by the real and true. Gardening helps, and seeing little kids helps, and knowing that my husband loves me and cares more that I like good things helps and hearing him say, "having kids is going to be a real liberating thing for you :)" helps.

oh. and i love crap like this. I love Beauty and the Beast; but even my love of the movie and reluctance to "give it up" is kind of a dead give away of the subtle ways media influences. a sweet children's movie is easy to dismiss. it's nostalgic and eye candy but i don't really know that there's anything that redeeming about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CWMCt35oFY&feature=related the end is the best.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Nothing to say, okay!

it's been a while since i wrote last. and i really have nothing to say. i could write about how we finally officially closed on our house a week ago, or about insecurities, or about the nostalgia i'm experiencing especially since I got our wedding pictures from Adam and Imthiaz a week ago and since i went to Palmer Flowers today to finally thank Susan for the hard and beautiful work she did to make our wedding look beautiful. She's practically a forever friend now, she asked about my mom and our life now. And it was really sweet to remember those 5:30 meetings where we discussed how many flowers would go in the bouquets.

That little meeting actually really made my day.

And now I am avoiding realizing I'm close to school--I DON'T WANT TO GO. but because of some encouragement and a push in the right direction (I actually have the name of a photo lens to get--now if i only had some $$$$$) I, feeling a surge of confidence that comes with having even the slightest sense of direction, found some information on digital photo editing which in turn left me knowing that I'd be learning all these things formally in only a matter of weeks. This is what I've been wanting--but I'm dreading it--maybe to cope with the possible disappointment, or the fear of failure. But if I focus on these things--oh yeah and the beauty of Colorado autumns, perhaps, I can further prepare my mind for this school thing.

And speaking of school, I just had been talking about this very profound moment that happened to me when I was living my first semester in Grand Rapids. I had been reading The Great Divorce by C.S Lewis on the seemingly long bus ride home from the downtown city campus to my sweet "Colorado Ave House." During this time, I was sick (mentally, physically, emotionally), I was alone, and struggling with one of the darkest times of my life, but there was this house on the top of the hill of our street with a mom, a dad, three kids or so, and a grandpa. This is what I wrote about it when I got home from the walk from the bus stop:

[I wrote this entry really neatly as opposed to my usual scribble--I remember knowing that the day would stay with me forever]

September 21, 2006
A change from the arguing clouds and sun of yesterday, today's brightened and shortened autumn day prompted me to walk lightly with my feet and carry a book in my hands. It was warmer outside. My happiness was nearly pouring from my eyes which would seem to block out any sense of where I was -- but I was also so aware of all that surrounded me -- the speckles of sunlight that found their ways through the luscious trees, so it came as an interesting surprise and expectation that the featured violinist -- Colorado Street's own professional -- was saying to me, "Good Afternoon."
Still being surrounded in the perfection of my reading I stopped what seemed to be my swirling head to confirm who was talking to me. "Ah, coming back from school? And already starting on homework." I explained it was only for enjoyment. And this is when my happiness rose higher than I could stand, "Ah to be young....And go to school again."
Here I am in Michigan, surrounded in trees, and I have the privilege to go to school, and be young.
After he spoke to me, I continued on down Colorado Street.
I was warm.

That's it; and funny how it's reminding and pushing me now. That old creaky man looked down from his porch then and gave me some clarity. I was really blessed to receive it from him.

Now I should start dinner for my husband. But how about a too cute video? yeah, i think it's called for. This is my niece Andi who decided she wanted to call her Aunt B....couldn't you just melt?! the inflections are so hilarious.