Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Something I Want My Child to Know
I made a mistake today. Probably tomorrow or even later tonight I will think nothing of it, but I probably disappointed or frustrated someone today and I feel terrible and embarrassed about it. When I make mistakes I typically don't learn from them, rather, I hide from them. I try to hide or retreat further into this shell that in the past has kept me from living. It is the same voice that tells me that I can't do anything whether "anything" is: getting my blood drawn, going to class, excelling at art, doing something "well" or "Good," or speaking up, or being a good friend or ultimately, person. Somewhere I have learned that I don't have much to offer and when I make mistakes I further reinforce my warped idea with some sort of seclusion. It. Feels. Awful.
When I was really beating myself up over my mistake however some glimmer of hope or something sparked in my brain. I started thinking about how much I needed someone to tell me that it's not a big deal, and that got me thinking of parents, and that got me realizing that I'm going to be a parent (if I'm not one already--I mean I'm already telling the baby, "no" to the hostess cakes and nutty bar section). This baby is gloriously already changing my perceptions and I am so blessed.
I want my child to know that mistakes and accidents are going to happen, but most importantly, mistakes and accidents and failures (even when it involves failing another) is not reason to think of yourself as less or worthless, with nothing further to offer. The best way to reconcile these mistakes is to be honest and open about said mistakes, and to apologize when and where an apology is due (not to save one's skin and further perpetuate self-loathing). I want my child to know that forgiveness and grace are real beautiful things in the world, examples of the Love of Christ that we so brilliantly get to be a part of. I hope to be a first hand example of that kind of Love.
If my child knows this, I hope he or she will know not to cripple with fear over making a mistake. I pray that I can learn these things myself so as to be that living example for my little lime (that's how big they say he/she is!).
So. That was my lesson (to myself) for the day. Next will probably be, school is not everything--getting less than perfect grades is not bad--perfectionism is kind of a disease, maybe a lesser one, but one that can spiral out of control--one that is an indicator of something bigger--something I haven't figured out yet.
Besides a disappointing afternoon, the morning was great and I got to do the things I really enjoy doing. After a week of tests and projects, I got to open the house up to the fake-spring warm weather, drink a smoothie outside in a martini glass, experiment with some expired film, clean the kitchen and do laundry. Most of all I began planning our garden. Seth and I may be in over our heads with the projects we want to do by summer time (one involves chicken cooping) but it's so fun to think of our house as slowly but surely turning into a house of production. This year I am going to be growing lots more greens and radishes (last year I discovered I loved these) no corn (stupid squirrels) and hopefully some onions.