Yesterday I went shopping for maternity clothes as I was feeling the pinch of my jeans getting tighter and tighter. It was kind of a mistake. My body is long and slender, but I see it only as bigger and bigger, less and less manageable. When it came time to try on a pair of maternity pants I was horrified to see my figure drowning in a confusing mess of fabric--so unflattering! Like overalls! It seemed like a joke (am I really going to be able to fit in those?!). But a little joke that has rubbed me the wrong way and is festering. Going through racks of clothes I am confronted with knowing that I can't fit into that any more, and that this or that may never look the same. I think I'm probably mourning these things. Loss of youth perhaps?
But the situation goes deeper because I struggle alot with body issues, I always have. Rather than feeling that feminine maternal glow that some talk about, I feel increasingly masculine as I grow bigger. Less soft as the my "angles" fade away. And it's most frustrating when I am so ecstatic to be pregnant, when I want to embrace every single part, that I have a really hard time being happy with what is going on on the outside when I know I should embrace it as the physical manifestation of the good work I am doing for what's on the the inside.
I feel that I need to speak and be open about these struggles so that they don't spiral or consume (As they so often do for me) and I would really be open to hearing how other mothers have become resolved to their changing bodies.
Today I am going to McCook, Nebraska; to the location of my best summer vacations, and to share in good memories with my dear aunts and uncles and parents. I have these primal urges to go back to Nebraska; it is really like clockwork--I start to have dreams, day dreams, sadness when it's been too long. I woke up this morning tossing and sniffling back the spring cold I have, unable to fall asleep as I anticipated the landscape of that lonely nebraskan highway. I get to go back, and it's about time. PLUS! I have a Pentax 6x7 camera to for the trip and rolls of slide film to use.