The thought of raising kids becomes all the more scary and big as the weeks progress. I see kids now and they look even more like little sponges that pick up any little thing that falls from their parents. I see family dynamics and dramas and realize my limitations and downfalls as a human being and become frightened for this innocent little wonderful thing growing without the outside influence of the world (well...they say the baby can hear now, and Kanye West is still my guiltiest pleasure...so we'll see, this child might come out with more ego than any of us). But I get moments of relief when I realize that there are millions of babies born all the time to imperfect humans, and that these little babies grow up to be people, imperfect, but good people. People like my best friends, or my husband, or my sister and sister/brother in laws and parents. It's actually when I think of my parents that I am most comforted. I was given alot to look up to, a really good example to model my life after. Seth and I both were blessed with parents who are/were very wise, therefore, I really hope, this might make me kind of wise or even have some intuition about how to go about raising a kid without being stressed about doing the "right" or "wrong" thing all the time.
I was in class yesterday and rather than working we had this giant discussion about family and gender etc and I was pleasantly struck by how great my parents were when Lacey and I were growing up. The biggest thing, amongst peers talking about how their dads treated them like little princesses (not a good thing, people) or moms who gave their daughters the silent treatment, was that my parents were consistent and on the same team. Lacey and I were always treated as children (not as an adult friend who you have little dramas that result in silent passive aggression or as spoiled-perfect-mini-human-pets) and never as pawns between an argument between Mom and Dad. This seems really prevalent today. I don't really know how it manifests itself or what it looks like but I hear plenty of stories about it and of the stories of peers of mine landing in the priveledged? position of being on Mom's side or on Dad's side, when kids shouldn't even have to take a side. I don't want there to be a side to ever be on, the very idea of a different "side" would imply a disconnect between dad and mom clearly communicating to child that the bond and marriage between husband and wife doesn't need to come first in family life. I just have to think that if a child is being used as a pawn to settle arguments or whatever then they have special privilege without responsibility as "child" but as "friend" "confidant" etc. Kids need discipline and example and that's exactly what I got, and I'm so glad. I'm so glad I didn't have to know and be burdened by arguments or dramas between my dad and mom. I know they had them (being married now, i wonder how could anyone not?) And I'm so blessed that they took the time to work hard enough to understand each other so Lacey and I were always aware of expectations--indications of their very obvious "oneness." This unity is a beautiful challenge for Seth and I to try to live up to.
Well, that's all. Tomorrow is my 24th birthday which is great I guess. The best birthday present I could receive is a healthy looking baby as we will be able to see next Thursday at our first ultrasound. Not to mention finding out if baby is boy or girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
....and maybe, Seth, if you could download me that new Kanye West cd. (seriously though, how is this not kind of great :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7_jYl8A73g
or this old favorite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvb-1wjAtk4)