I wake up any where from 5:30-7:00 most days. I wake up to a lively and kicking baby. I am 30 weeks pregnant; which to me, feels like a milestone of a week. Something psychological perhaps has occurred in my brain that whenever I think of the next short ten weeks, I get a bit choked up, not with tears, but with fear. I have to hope I'm not alone in this "stage of fear," that others have experienced it too. In the weeks prior, I could, in times of fear, find solace in imagining cuddling with our future little bundle, but now such pleasant thoughts are polluted with images of a fatigued me struggling to cope with figuring out how to mother 24/7. I imagine myself frazzled and insecure.
Maybe that's because I am [frazzled, insecure] right now. I am unprepared for birth and I am unprepared to be a mom. Maybe unprepared isn't the word, maybe inadequate would better describe how I feel. But you know? It's when I realize that, that I can kinda move forward. I can clearly see my position: first time mom, afraid of all the unknowns of the future, etc. But I can also see a solution. Sure I'm new at this, but I'm surrounded, absolutely drenched in a community of parents and wise peers that I have been blessed with. I need them. It's okay to depend on their support, and find through them love that is only possible through the gift of a Son to the world, the Truest sense of love and security, that is of and in Christ. The people I know shower me with this love, and I from where it flows. I am truley thankful. [Though still, honestly scared] it's in the moments of fear however that I can, hopefully, find that I CANNOT do this alone [Nadya Suleman--you need a community, lady!] That I can only depend on the love of God that extends through Him and His Church.
I felt similar feelings once in my life. I've always been a fearful and worrisome child, it's how I was wired, but never like the anxiety I felt before the wedding, and now before having a kid. I was terrified of the wedding--not of marriage, but of the motions of being in front of two hundred plus people, standing; I still can't exactly wrap my finger around what scared me about it but somewhere in my brain's pathways, I had paved a way that told me that I am not strong enough to handle my own nerves. That my body would take over and defeat me, and frankly, that I'd interrupt the whole ceremony by passing out [which really wouldn't be the end of the world, but in my mind, it just would be]. I think it's the same something that is making me react to birth and mothering-- perhaps feelings of worthlessness, shame, and failure could be at the core of these reactions. It's those words, when processed, that make me want to stretch out my arms, clench my jaw and refuse the passage of time. But it's not okay to react like this. And I need to face my fears like I did with those feelings a month or two before the wedding--therapy worked wonders. Now, I have other ways and tools to address my fears. Going to childbirth class is one way, having a network of supportive mothers around, too, will help.
Having Asa is what I'm waiting for and, really, longing for, but in order for that to happen well, I need to face my fears, and start, with one shaky foot in front of the other, with the preparations that will get me ready for his arrival.....
1. Go to class-get informed, learn how to breatheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
2. Tour the hospital, tour the hospital, tour the hospital, tour the hospital
3. Practice breathingggggggggggggggg
4. Ask questions--welcome help and suggestions
30 weeks-(confession: I think I'm bigger than this, but when you're 20lbs heavier you'll gladly accept the the deceiving camera angles and the color black ;)
Brooke, you are loved beyond words. I wish with everything I have that I could take away your anxiety so that you can ENJOY this time that you will never ever again get back.
ReplyDeleteYou have 10 precious months when Asa is inside you. He is being protected, nourished, and carried by your body, and you get to take him with you everywhere you go. When he arrives, someone takes him a short distance from your body, cleans him up and checks his vital signs. Then Seth gets to hold him and you will look on with admiration. Later in the day, Asa will be passed around to all of us and squeezed and kissed. Eventually, you 'allow' someone to watch him so that you can go out and do something without him...oh! imagine that! But, right now he is only yours to hold. You will never be able to get that back. It's indescribably strange, but I think about wanting to put Sawyer or Andi back into my tummy sometimes so that I can take them with me everywhere and not leave them with someone while I work, etc.
The delivery process is something your body knows how to do. It happens gradually (more gradually for some) and so you have God's perfect timing to 'get there'. Take comfort in the fact that you don't have to DO anything. Your body is going to do it for you, it's a matter of hours, and the joy you have after you have done the hard work, is your reward.
Asa will be your baby. He will depend on you, but he won't have anything to compare your care to, so he will think you are the perfect mommy. You will figure it out and you will do it as you go, just like all of us (every new mommy in the history of human kind) did. We will all help and offer our input and suggestions, but sometimes you and Seth are going to do it your own way because Asa is your baby, and you are his parents.
It's gonna be great! Wait and see, you'll find that I'm right. It's gonna be great. You are going to be a great mom. Asa is so blessed.
You are so funny. Tour the hospital, tour the hospital! I can totally relate to all of your anxieties so your not alone! If that helps.. at all? I agree that you'll figure it out moment by moment because that's all you can do, and that's how women have been doing it for centuries:-)
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