Really, Any Day Now.

nothing too exciting today. but for the record:


How far along? 39 weeks plus, and i'm done.
How big is baby? well....at last week's appointment they said he's kind of small. 6lbs 9oz. But everything looks fine and good according to the ultrasound and biophysical, so this is me being okay with trusting the doctor's opinions and not worrying about our peanut of a child.
Gender? Boy. I get a precious mini-Seth. I always said I wanted a million of them.......
Weight gain? When I get weighed, I look at the ceiling, so, I have no idea. But according to how i look, I think it's probably in the 30ish range.
Symptoms? My stomach cramps, and tightens, and my round ligaments send shooting pain down my side, but nothing gives me an Asa.
Food cravings? It was nutella, then french toast, and I've satisfied them all. Now I'm not really craving much. If anything maybe some good cereal--it's like I'm reverting back to the first trimester.
Sleep? Relatively good. I wake up during the night but if I can sleep till four, I can usually drift back to sleep. If it's before four I lay awake for at least and hour and a half. I have no idea. Movement? Oh he loves to move. alot. to the point where I think he's going to bust through the skin. it's a bit uncomfortable.
Stretch Marks? none, yet. but i've begun to itch so I'm not holding my breath for a second.
Belly Button? the top part is out, bottom part is flat. it's so weird
What I am looking forward to? alot. i really want to see this squirmy little guy. and dress him up and walk around with him in a sling right next to me alllllllllll day. but i also want to lay on my tum, and hug with my whole body. im looking forward to breastfeeding. and going into labor. and pushing. kind of everything that gets me away from pregnancy.
Pregnancy Moments with Seth: I just love and will miss Seth's flabergasted expression when he see's my stomach twist and shift, and "good griefs" when Asa kicks HIM!

Belly Photo: i look and feel just like this *scary* picture

Now, things can happen.

Sometimes I'm in a state of disbelief that I'm 38 weeks pregnant. That I can honestly say, "i should be able to make it, unless something else, say a baby comes up (or should i say, "out?")"

The nursery is done. All the essential components are finished, maybe not all things are put up or put away, but, we finished the cabinet. Thank you to all who contributed, especially since I couldn't do any of it.

Alrighty Asa, we're ready for you.

Waiting Game

It's a wednesday morning, and we just got back from our 37 week appointment. I've had a beautiful pregnancy and even though i know that being pregnant and having the baby inside is easier than having the baby outside....I am utterly miserable. I feel like I have hit the limits of my patience and I am kind of driving myself crazy. I want to meet our little son so badly, I want to see his face, I want to go through the adventure of giving birth, and then all the challenges of parenthood. With every contraction and tightening, with every kick, I start playing these mind games about when he'll come. Is this labor? It could be? Maybe this is the start....

The thing is, labor probably has started in a sense, my body is preparing for what it needs to do, but my temptation is to want to speed up the process. Sometimes, in these times when I'm hit with the reality of "this could happen anywhere from now until three weeks from now," I selfishly"get" why women would elect to schedule an induction -- YET at the same time this is another example of why pregnancy is another example of God's amazing creativity in design. How better to learn the disciplines of patience, of welcoming the unexpected stranger, and of simply being still, resting in His creation. I have been created to give birth a certain way, and Asa has been created to come out a certain way :) I have to surrender my own plans about what should be happening and when it should be happening and just go with the design. As simple as it is this is another opportunity to live Jeremiah 29:11 "¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I am blessed to be able to partake in the blessing of motherhood and pregnancy. Intervening with the design is not proper, and I just have to remember, if nothing else, I've waited nine months, I can wait another week or two ;) Oh, and also, that I am doing the work I've been given to do--to grow a baby. Now it's time to rest in this work, knowing doing it is good.

I am participating in a miracle. I can wait another couple weeks....but I'm allowed to complain about my waddle.

ps.[Funny pregnancy thing week 37--I have a weekly outfit. With each new week, I have grown out of what previously has fit. So I get creative with my wardrobe, pick out one or two outfits and wear them all week. This week, it's a black dress with a belly band worn as a tube top. Next week will probably be Seth tank top with stretchy pants....oh man.]

I haven't written in a while. It could easily be that rather than sitting and collecting information and digesting and trying to make sense of it through writing, I have been really busy with preparing for our little son's birth. I've been nesting for weeks--making curtains and crib dusters and mobiles. They're nothing pretty but I'm really proud to have spent my time doing them myself.
I've noticed, as the months go on, Seth and I changing. As strange as this sounds I have seen our parental instincts surfacing as we engage with the children (and get this-animals) in our lives. From noticing Seth's super creative ways of interacting with our nephew during his birthday to my vigil watch over changes in my dog's (yeah, DOG's) behavior, I think we're slowly gearing up for this new stranger entering our lives.
I don't like the idea of preparing for welcoming Asa into our lives by having to say our final goodbyes with the life we know now. Maybe its because I'm overwhelmed enough as it is by the huge change having a kid will bring that I don't think it's necessary to have my "lasts." Maybe I want the "lasts" to happen without celebrating them as being "the last time doing [whatever] without a baby in my life." It's not like I'm kissing parties or bars or girls night outs goodbye. It's not like I need one final fling with my husband. As with marriage, where life changed, yet it changed for Good and it just was, I feel having a child will be similar. Things will change, but our lives have been moving slowly in this direction anyways. If I was to feel entitled to be independent (which as I write that word out--I'm sure I still feel this entitlement deep in my bones) then, yeah, motherhood would be a miserable existence. Just as marriage would be if I felt I had the right to be independent of my spouse. But you know, I don't really strive to buy into the our culture's strange obsession with independence.
Instead of saying "goodbye" to our lives, Seth and I are striving to make changes to our household--one of the biggest has been to keep the Sabbath. We hope to work well during the week and keep Sundays open to visiting with friends and family and rest. The other day we put another condition on our Sundays and I discussed with Seth something that has been convicting me as of lately. This condition involves no idle internet time--but I admitted that I felt that maybe I need to take some time from facebook. [doesn't everyone say the same thing?] At least, something needs to change. I don't know how I feel about posting everything about our growing family, especially after he comes. Which is difficult, as I love that about fb--the ability to share with people (as some of my closest friends live furthest away); I think I just need more restraint. This also calls into question what I want to do with photography (as that is also why I like facebook--it's a good discipline for me to always be shooting and making silly 'albums'). All this might include using it less or writing more or shooting with film or becoming alot more picky about my pictures and what I choose to show.
In all, it's an attempt at actual relationship. To people experiencing our family not by my words or how we look on film (or digital files) to what we do in action. How we interact with the world and community around us. Besides, the older I get (I know--I'm still pretty young) the more old fashioned I get (read: what's the point of style and fashion? why are there iphones? why are there kindles? i'll stop there, i don't want to get in trouble) and I want to keep my heart content with the limits we are faced with and I want Asa to know that we are content with the way we live--that it's okay to embrace these limits. Protecting my own heart by using my time wisely and on good things will hopefully keep our family from at least some of the pressures of the world.

I'm 35 weeks pregnant today. He's coming so soon. And I really just can't wait. I'm off to go sort baby clothes (for the third or fourth time :) in the nursery. Speaking of nursery: We are finishing up the final touches. The biggest project? Sanding, Priming, and painting our armoire. Thank goodness I have some help. :)

Inspecting one of Asa's [creepy] books

She's super Nani.

Happy Friday!

What an Afternoon Off Looks Like

I am a student, once again. And being enrolled in a 4 week class in the middle of July means I can see August approach, with the promise of September (baby time) on its heels. Today I was able to do the work around the yard and even some photo work in addition to my linguistics readings.

Here's what I did after class and before our 30 wk appointment. [Fun note: I asked our midwife if she could tell where baby was situated and she said his head was down. Seth got to feel and in maybe a bit of disbelief exclaimed, "wow! it's big" and Lani joked, "well, don't tell her that!!"]

I spend at least some of every afternoon collecting our raspberries. Does anyone want fresh raspberries?

We have our own onions. I think I'm happier about this than Seth is.

Decided to do my own maternity pictures.

After pregnancy, I'll miss the nails.


Hydrangeas make me happier than any rose.

Although it doesn't look like it, the nursery is coming along--look at Seth's amazing paint job!!

GREY

I can't wait.

Tea Time for A and B

I wake up any where from 5:30-7:00 most days. I wake up to a lively and kicking baby. I am 30 weeks pregnant; which to me, feels like a milestone of a week. Something psychological perhaps has occurred in my brain that whenever I think of the next short ten weeks, I get a bit choked up, not with tears, but with fear. I have to hope I'm not alone in this "stage of fear," that others have experienced it too. In the weeks prior, I could, in times of fear, find solace in imagining cuddling with our future little bundle, but now such pleasant thoughts are polluted with images of a fatigued me struggling to cope with figuring out how to mother 24/7. I imagine myself frazzled and insecure.

Maybe that's because I am [frazzled, insecure] right now. I am unprepared for birth and I am unprepared to be a mom. Maybe unprepared isn't the word, maybe inadequate would better describe how I feel. But you know? It's when I realize that, that I can kinda move forward. I can clearly see my position: first time mom, afraid of all the unknowns of the future, etc. But I can also see a solution. Sure I'm new at this, but I'm surrounded, absolutely drenched in a community of parents and wise peers that I have been blessed with. I need them. It's okay to depend on their support, and find through them love that is only possible through the gift of a Son to the world, the Truest sense of love and security, that is of and in Christ. The people I know shower me with this love, and I from where it flows. I am truley thankful. [Though still, honestly scared] it's in the moments of fear however that I can, hopefully, find that I CANNOT do this alone [Nadya Suleman--you need a community, lady!] That I can only depend on the love of God that extends through Him and His Church.

I felt similar feelings once in my life. I've always been a fearful and worrisome child, it's how I was wired, but never like the anxiety I felt before the wedding, and now before having a kid. I was terrified of the wedding--not of marriage, but of the motions of being in front of two hundred plus people, standing; I still can't exactly wrap my finger around what scared me about it but somewhere in my brain's pathways, I had paved a way that told me that I am not strong enough to handle my own nerves. That my body would take over and defeat me, and frankly, that I'd interrupt the whole ceremony by passing out [which really wouldn't be the end of the world, but in my mind, it just would be]. I think it's the same something that is making me react to birth and mothering-- perhaps feelings of worthlessness, shame, and failure could be at the core of these reactions. It's those words, when processed, that make me want to stretch out my arms, clench my jaw and refuse the passage of time. But it's not okay to react like this. And I need to face my fears like I did with those feelings a month or two before the wedding--therapy worked wonders. Now, I have other ways and tools to address my fears. Going to childbirth class is one way, having a network of supportive mothers around, too, will help.

Having Asa is what I'm waiting for and, really, longing for, but in order for that to happen well, I need to face my fears, and start, with one shaky foot in front of the other, with the preparations that will get me ready for his arrival.....

1. Go to class-get informed, learn how to breatheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
2. Tour the hospital, tour the hospital, tour the hospital, tour the hospital
3. Practice breathingggggggggggggggg
4. Ask questions--welcome help and suggestions



30 weeks-(confession: I think I'm bigger than this, but when you're 20lbs heavier you'll gladly accept the the deceiving camera angles and the color black ;)

hormones

Things that make me cry these days:

*16 and Pregnant birth scenes (yeah I love 16 and pregnant, so what?)
*actually, any birth video
*really well written birth books (Like Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth)
*diaper commercials. yeah. diaper commercials. as sensational and sentimental as they are, the tears are out of my control.
*Emmet Gowin photos


My body is not my own.