Monday, January 18, 2010

shouldn't i be done by now? or [this is the way my brain thinks] or "Scattered"

I start school tomorrow and I have the usual anxieties that I experience when starting a new semester. I am taking figure drawing which is going to be another shock to my system. It's going to be really so tough. And besides that I have 17 credits, work, and a wedding to prepare for. I know that I can handle it, but I wonder if taking one of my 3 credit courses during summer might be a better idea. School seems to set up individuals to lead a life of continued frazzledness (is that a word, obviously not.), sleep deprived students, and stress. This is why I don't think it's a bad thing to take your time finishing school, to find a good pace, to take a consistent 15 or less credits? BUT I am conflicted because I also feel like, "but she can do it [take 17 hours and work on top of that]--I'm just a slacker." I'm just torn and then I start to go down this terrible cycle where I feel worthless for having "wasted" nearly three years of my life in Michigan and Nebraska. (Now, I know I didn't, for they were some of my greatest years where I met some of my most favorite people, and I wouldn't have gotten to hang out with Seth on that sunny June day if I hadn't taken that Colorado summer vacation.... but I can't help feel like I SHOULD BE DONE WITH SCHOOL BY NOW.)
But these thoughts get me no where. I have to remember, I'm still only 22, and I have time. I am doing something I like, or that I will like (I still wonder why I have to take a figure drawing class when I am a photography major, but I am just being stubborn.).

And then there's Seth. He's going to be working and I'm going to be going to does this work? Is it going to work? How much part time will I be working? There are so many unknowns, that are quite frankly, terrifying, at times. But it is during these times that I am reminded at how perfect (I know no one's perfect but Seth is pretty great ;) he is. He refocuses my attention at what really matters; the saying I am trying to stamp in my brain is, "We're not a part of that story." Which means, worrying about money, about the uncontrollable future, the unknown is not the story we need to buy into, though it is such a temptation. It is this fear that is taught to us; that if we're not "successful" or making money that life is just rough and stressful and "not good."


"We're not a part of that story."

We'll work to be the best we can be, we will rely on something Higher than money to be comforted.

These are things I need to work on and need encouragement with, but, i don't know, even with writing it out, I feel some sort of Peace.

Happy Monday, Happy CSU, Happy Week, everyone.

1 comment:

  1. Brooke, I took 19 credits one semester, I feel your anxiety. I know you can do it, but you don't HAVE to. Good luck with everything, & don't over do it! You'll be just fine. xo.